Baby Fever

I had a friend blog about this and I thought "maybe I should too..."

Yesterday I was REALLY fed up with bills and people wanting money so I posted on my facebook

"So why can't things in life be free?"

Well someone that I am acquainted with commented with...

"blah blah blah blah.... Is this baby fever again?"

Yep, you read that right. Now correct me if I'm wrong... but I didn't know that not being able to have children naturally was considered baby fever.

It doesn't matter how many times you say things to people or tell them whats going on they will STILL open their mouths without thinking.

Now, if that person who posted that reads this... I'm not going to apologize, you need to think about a person situation before you say anything that might hurt feelings.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies EVERY WHERE its almost like they are popping out of thin air. And I know its not their fault that having children doesn't come easily for me. I just wish that people would think.

I'm strong, yes. But I'm not Super Woman and there are things I'm I just can't handle yet.

Thats the end of my ramblings.

Low

Well I'm on the Low part of the Roller Coaster...

And my heart is heavy.

I know that Satan is playing my emotions against me and I won't let him win. I just hate this feeling.

I have a doctors appointment today with my oh so wonderful (literally, she's wonderful) obgyn. Last week I had some pressure in my lower abdomen (its still there... just not horrible)... it wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. So my OB wants to do an ultra-sound to make sure its not a cyst... she said it might be scar tissue from the surgery but she wants to rule out cyst first. Come to find out, my SIL (sister in law, who is pregnant) has an appointment today too... at my doctors... to find out if she is having a Boy or a Girl.

My heart is in shambles. I love my SIL, Truly I do. And I'm happy that Their family is growing... but thats just it... its theirs... not mine.

I have this day dream that at my appointment my Dr tells me that I'm the P word. Wishful thinking, I know. I'm setting myself up for a bad day. Its just that I pray every day for some kind of miracle. I don't care what kind it is... Just SOMETHING to ease the blows that just keep coming. But anything has yet to happen... More wishful thinking.

Like I said... My heart is heavy. There is nothing I can do to change that. Some days I wonder why I even get out of bed in the morning... If I didn't have to go to work I'd probably stay there all day.

Okay, I'm done now.

Carry on.

What makes a mother

I came across this poem that brought tears to my eyes... I knew I had to share.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies,

When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day,

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Struggle

This past two weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women... and new born's. And if there are any of them around... the talk always turns to babies or being pregnant.

I hate it.

Today was awesome... I was in a great mood! Ready to take on the world... I got to work and within 30 minutes my good day was shattered. I got asked "So, When are you guys gonna have kids? You better get a move on" I almost threw up. My response "Do you have 10,000 dollars?" She replied "No, why?" So I gave a blunt answer... "Because I can't have children naturally... I have to go through invitro in order for me to have children... And that costs $10,000..." She didn't have a response for that. And I don't blame her.

The ache in my soul has been like ten fold recently...

I pray every day for a miracle

Understand

Monday night... Someone I know posted on Facebook that her neighbor wants to put her one year old boy up for adoption. My heart broke. Why would this mother want to get rid of her one year old? I paid attention to this girl that I know posts and then I saw words that broke my heart even further "She (the mother) has no attachment to him" That poor little boy.

This is where its going to get difficult and very opinionated...

So that night someone told me that maybe I should try for him... and the idea had crossed my mind. But that meant that Gary and I would have a decision... we are saving money for invitro which costs a lot... and adoption costs some where around there if not more. Thinking about whether or not we should try for this little boy... something didn't feel right. So I went to bed confused and not sure what we should do.

So Yesterday... I was on the phone with my mother. Now, let me just say that I love my mom very much and she has done a lot for me in my life... However, she has a tendency to think she is always right and knows everything. Our conversation moved to the little boy and everything going on with that. Well one thing led to another and we got talking about my situation... I have a friend who has fertility issues as well and her sisters pop them out like rabbits... each child has a different father! anyway... we talked about that for a minute and I said "I couldn't handle that. Having family members throw it in my face like that... I don't want to see ultra-sound pictures or go to baby showers! I can't handle that" As the conversation progressed I was getting more and more upset... my mom told me that I had to get to a point where I had to except everything. Which I am FULLY aware of. And that she didn't want it to take 5-10 years. I said "Mom, You Don't Understand!" her reply was "I don't have to go through it to understand, you are at the point where you don't want anyone to understand. And thats okay. I'll wait." NO. I disagree. COMPLETELY. You DO have to go through it to understand. Anyone that I have talked to about everything that has happened... who hasn't had any problems having children and pops them out like nothing they don't know what to say to you or how to handle being around you. And those women who have dealt with infertility, miscarriage, or ectopic's ... They KNOW. Because they understand your feelings and let you vent, cry, and don't try to fix it, they don't give advice or judge you for not being over it yet. And in conversation where people are talking about their pregnancies or being pregnant (which I avoid now) if you try to chime in... (because those who have had a miscarriage or ectopic WERE pregnant, we just weren't blessed with anything to show for it)... Are told that we Don't Understand because weren't that far along and we don't know. Yes, I've had that said to me. By a family member. I almost punched them.

I pray every day for a miracle. I pray every day that everything that has happened was only a dream. Well, The miracle I've gotten is to be alive and it wasn't a dream... I have six scars to prove it. And every month... I'm reminded about what a failure I am. But THANK GOODNESS for the Gospel! And the love of our Savior! Yesterday was HORRIBLE... and I cried all day long... But I could feel his love. And it wasn't till I was laying in my bed reading my patriarchal blessing that I truly felt peace and the ache that was so deafening in my heart started to ease that I knew I would be okay. Eventually. I came across a blog and this women had an ectopic... it happened almost exactly like mine. But she posted something today that confirmed that the healing process will take time and I just need to give it time. This is what she posted...

If you broke your arm and your arm was healing, would you be able to make your arm heal any quicker? No. You would have to let it heal naturally and then eventually, go through physical therapy in order to have your arm back to normal conditions. If you didn't your arm may hurt worse or hurt for a longer period of time or never completely heal. This is the same for grief. You can't hurry up the process. You have to allow yourself to heal naturally and go through all of the stages and emotions of grief. If you don't you will still continue to be broken and prolong the process. This does not mean that later on the road you will not cry or feel sad because of infertility. Just remember that grieving, healing, and coping are all different. If you try to quicken the healing process just to "get over it" you are just hurting yourself, so please allow yourselves to feel the pain.

How true this is. And even though I feel like I'm back at square one in the healing process... I don't think I ever truly healed from both events. And I'm going to work at it. But I know that I can't lean on other people. I need to do it with the mind set that I can do it. Although that doesn't mean I'm not gonna a crutch every now and then. I'm grateful for those who have and continue to lend me their ear to vent, cry, and complain.

And I do stand by my statement that you DO have to go through it or something Similar to understand... and you shouldn't pretend that you do. That doesn't help the person it just makes it worse. So just keep your opinions to yourself.

And I will keep praying for a miracle.

The beginning

I’ve been going back in forth trying to figure out how I wanted to go about this first post.

My heart has been torn in so many different directions. So I’m just going to put some of my feelings out there and call it a post.

Some people have told me that I shouldn’t take it to hard… that We haven’t been trying that long. But I say… Who are you to tell me that I shouldn’t let it effect me? The only difference between me and some one else is that they have been trying for longer. I found out early that having children naturally wasn’t an option. It will still take years before we scrape up enough money to “buy” our children. Does that satisfy you? But that’s neither here nor there.

My heart breaks a little more every day. Some days are fantastic and I feel like I can take on the world… and others…. I feel like I just want to cry all day long never get out of bed.

I watch other around me get pregnant and have babies… and I die a little each time.. I have gotten to the point where I can actually be happy for my friends. Thank goodness too… cause they are popping them out like crazy. Lucky.

You NEVER think that anything like this could happen to you. And then it does… it hits you like a ton of bricks. With an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy the chances are like 1 out of 50... And it just makes you wonder… Why? Why did I have to be that 1. Not once… but twice. Unfortunately, as you can tell, I’m not at the stage where I can fully accept everything that has happened… and that everything will be ok…. I’m trying SO hard. It just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve tried desperately to not let any of this test my faith… But as you know… its hard. When your heart is heavy and you don’t understand. Its hard.

Thankfully, my husband has been truly amazing. He will hold me when I cry and tell me that he loves me and that he has faith. How can he be so wonderful? And how is it so easy for him to accept and understand? I don’t know. I wish I did. But I don’t think even he know. He has told me that it hurts him too… one to see my heart breaking… and two that our family isn’t going to grow the way we thought it would. But he has also told me that he doesn’t let his emotions show because he is trying to be my tough strong man. Which I am grateful for. He is my Rock. I love him dearly. I can’t imagine trying to get through this with anyone else. It just wouldn’t be the same. I am so grateful for my husband and the strength he is to me… especially in the nights that I cry for an hour straight.

I did not intend for this first real post to be depressing in anyway… but these are my feelings… So here they are.

Below this are a few videos two are songs and one is a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland of the Mormon faith. All make me feel better… and sometimes even help to get the annual cry out of the way.

Also, I would Love to hear your story… I’ve been told the best way to work past things is to talk about it. You can email me

And one more thing. We have been forced to take the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) path in order to have children…. I will be completely honest with you. It may be 5 or more years before we will even be close to having enough money to do that. So there is a donate button…. If you are feeling generous to help us get one step closer to the adventure of parenthood. Please do not worry…. I will not be offended you don’t. But every penny counts. Even if you only donate a dollar… I will be forever grateful to you.

Thank you,

You will be in my prayers.

Good Things to Come

I Would Die For That

Such an amazing song!

Be Still - Hilary Weeks