The beginning

I’ve been going back in forth trying to figure out how I wanted to go about this first post.

My heart has been torn in so many different directions. So I’m just going to put some of my feelings out there and call it a post.

Some people have told me that I shouldn’t take it to hard… that We haven’t been trying that long. But I say… Who are you to tell me that I shouldn’t let it effect me? The only difference between me and some one else is that they have been trying for longer. I found out early that having children naturally wasn’t an option. It will still take years before we scrape up enough money to “buy” our children. Does that satisfy you? But that’s neither here nor there.

My heart breaks a little more every day. Some days are fantastic and I feel like I can take on the world… and others…. I feel like I just want to cry all day long never get out of bed.

I watch other around me get pregnant and have babies… and I die a little each time.. I have gotten to the point where I can actually be happy for my friends. Thank goodness too… cause they are popping them out like crazy. Lucky.

You NEVER think that anything like this could happen to you. And then it does… it hits you like a ton of bricks. With an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy the chances are like 1 out of 50... And it just makes you wonder… Why? Why did I have to be that 1. Not once… but twice. Unfortunately, as you can tell, I’m not at the stage where I can fully accept everything that has happened… and that everything will be ok…. I’m trying SO hard. It just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve tried desperately to not let any of this test my faith… But as you know… its hard. When your heart is heavy and you don’t understand. Its hard.

Thankfully, my husband has been truly amazing. He will hold me when I cry and tell me that he loves me and that he has faith. How can he be so wonderful? And how is it so easy for him to accept and understand? I don’t know. I wish I did. But I don’t think even he know. He has told me that it hurts him too… one to see my heart breaking… and two that our family isn’t going to grow the way we thought it would. But he has also told me that he doesn’t let his emotions show because he is trying to be my tough strong man. Which I am grateful for. He is my Rock. I love him dearly. I can’t imagine trying to get through this with anyone else. It just wouldn’t be the same. I am so grateful for my husband and the strength he is to me… especially in the nights that I cry for an hour straight.

I did not intend for this first real post to be depressing in anyway… but these are my feelings… So here they are.

Below this are a few videos two are songs and one is a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland of the Mormon faith. All make me feel better… and sometimes even help to get the annual cry out of the way.

Also, I would Love to hear your story… I’ve been told the best way to work past things is to talk about it. You can email me

And one more thing. We have been forced to take the IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) path in order to have children…. I will be completely honest with you. It may be 5 or more years before we will even be close to having enough money to do that. So there is a donate button…. If you are feeling generous to help us get one step closer to the adventure of parenthood. Please do not worry…. I will not be offended you don’t. But every penny counts. Even if you only donate a dollar… I will be forever grateful to you.

Thank you,

You will be in my prayers.