This is where its going to get difficult and very opinionated...
So that night someone told me that maybe I should try for him... and the idea had crossed my mind. But that meant that Gary and I would have a decision... we are saving money for invitro which costs a lot... and adoption costs some where around there if not more. Thinking about whether or not we should try for this little boy... something didn't feel right. So I went to bed confused and not sure what we should do.
So Yesterday... I was on the phone with my mother. Now, let me just say that I love my mom very much and she has done a lot for me in my life... However, she has a tendency to think she is always right and knows everything. Our conversation moved to the little boy and everything going on with that. Well one thing led to another and we got talking about my situation... I have a friend who has fertility issues as well and her sisters pop them out like rabbits... each child has a different father! anyway... we talked about that for a minute and I said "I couldn't handle that. Having family members throw it in my face like that... I don't want to see ultra-sound pictures or go to baby showers! I can't handle that" As the conversation progressed I was getting more and more upset... my mom told me that I had to get to a point where I had to except everything. Which I am FULLY aware of. And that she didn't want it to take 5-10 years. I said "Mom, You Don't Understand!" her reply was "I don't have to go through it to understand, you are at the point where you don't want anyone to understand. And thats okay. I'll wait." NO. I disagree. COMPLETELY. You DO have to go through it to understand. Anyone that I have talked to about everything that has happened... who hasn't had any problems having children and pops them out like nothing they don't know what to say to you or how to handle being around you. And those women who have dealt with infertility, miscarriage, or ectopic's ... They KNOW. Because they understand your feelings and let you vent, cry, and don't try to fix it, they don't give advice or judge you for not being over it yet. And in conversation where people are talking about their pregnancies or being pregnant (which I avoid now) if you try to chime in... (because those who have had a miscarriage or ectopic WERE pregnant, we just weren't blessed with anything to show for it)... Are told that we Don't Understand because weren't that far along and we don't know. Yes, I've had that said to me. By a family member. I almost punched them.
I pray every day for a miracle. I pray every day that everything that has happened was only a dream. Well, The miracle I've gotten is to be alive and it wasn't a dream... I have six scars to prove it. And every month... I'm reminded about what a failure I am. But THANK GOODNESS for the Gospel! And the love of our Savior! Yesterday was HORRIBLE... and I cried all day long... But I could feel his love. And it wasn't till I was laying in my bed reading my patriarchal blessing that I truly felt peace and the ache that was so deafening in my heart started to ease that I knew I would be okay. Eventually. I came across a blog and this women had an ectopic... it happened almost exactly like mine. But she posted something today that confirmed that the healing process will take time and I just need to give it time. This is what she posted...
If you broke your arm and your arm was healing, would you be able to make your arm heal any quicker? No. You would have to let it heal naturally and then eventually, go through physical therapy in order to have your arm back to normal conditions. If you didn't your arm may hurt worse or hurt for a longer period of time or never completely heal. This is the same for grief. You can't hurry up the process. You have to allow yourself to heal naturally and go through all of the stages and emotions of grief. If you don't you will still continue to be broken and prolong the process. This does not mean that later on the road you will not cry or feel sad because of infertility. Just remember that grieving, healing, and coping are all different. If you try to quicken the healing process just to "get over it" you are just hurting yourself, so please allow yourselves to feel the pain.
How true this is. And even though I feel like I'm back at square one in the healing process... I don't think I ever truly healed from both events. And I'm going to work at it. But I know that I can't lean on other people. I need to do it with the mind set that I can do it. Although that doesn't mean I'm not gonna a crutch every now and then. I'm grateful for those who have and continue to lend me their ear to vent, cry, and complain.
And I do stand by my statement that you DO have to go through it or something Similar to understand... and you shouldn't pretend that you do. That doesn't help the person it just makes it worse. So just keep your opinions to yourself.
And I will keep praying for a miracle.
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