Baby Fever

I had a friend blog about this and I thought "maybe I should too..."

Yesterday I was REALLY fed up with bills and people wanting money so I posted on my facebook

"So why can't things in life be free?"

Well someone that I am acquainted with commented with...

"blah blah blah blah.... Is this baby fever again?"

Yep, you read that right. Now correct me if I'm wrong... but I didn't know that not being able to have children naturally was considered baby fever.

It doesn't matter how many times you say things to people or tell them whats going on they will STILL open their mouths without thinking.

Now, if that person who posted that reads this... I'm not going to apologize, you need to think about a person situation before you say anything that might hurt feelings.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women and new babies EVERY WHERE its almost like they are popping out of thin air. And I know its not their fault that having children doesn't come easily for me. I just wish that people would think.

I'm strong, yes. But I'm not Super Woman and there are things I'm I just can't handle yet.

Thats the end of my ramblings.

Low

Well I'm on the Low part of the Roller Coaster...

And my heart is heavy.

I know that Satan is playing my emotions against me and I won't let him win. I just hate this feeling.

I have a doctors appointment today with my oh so wonderful (literally, she's wonderful) obgyn. Last week I had some pressure in my lower abdomen (its still there... just not horrible)... it wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. So my OB wants to do an ultra-sound to make sure its not a cyst... she said it might be scar tissue from the surgery but she wants to rule out cyst first. Come to find out, my SIL (sister in law, who is pregnant) has an appointment today too... at my doctors... to find out if she is having a Boy or a Girl.

My heart is in shambles. I love my SIL, Truly I do. And I'm happy that Their family is growing... but thats just it... its theirs... not mine.

I have this day dream that at my appointment my Dr tells me that I'm the P word. Wishful thinking, I know. I'm setting myself up for a bad day. Its just that I pray every day for some kind of miracle. I don't care what kind it is... Just SOMETHING to ease the blows that just keep coming. But anything has yet to happen... More wishful thinking.

Like I said... My heart is heavy. There is nothing I can do to change that. Some days I wonder why I even get out of bed in the morning... If I didn't have to go to work I'd probably stay there all day.

Okay, I'm done now.

Carry on.

What makes a mother

I came across this poem that brought tears to my eyes... I knew I had to share.

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies,

When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day,

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Struggle

This past two weeks has been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women... and new born's. And if there are any of them around... the talk always turns to babies or being pregnant.

I hate it.

Today was awesome... I was in a great mood! Ready to take on the world... I got to work and within 30 minutes my good day was shattered. I got asked "So, When are you guys gonna have kids? You better get a move on" I almost threw up. My response "Do you have 10,000 dollars?" She replied "No, why?" So I gave a blunt answer... "Because I can't have children naturally... I have to go through invitro in order for me to have children... And that costs $10,000..." She didn't have a response for that. And I don't blame her.

The ache in my soul has been like ten fold recently...

I pray every day for a miracle